Saeng il chuk ham ni da

I always do these sorts of things… every new year I will make resolutions… exercise more, be more tolerant and less short tempered, be more sociable, study harder, procrastinate less. And of course, I always forget and they never come to happen.

I really, really cannot remember if I usually do this: make resolutions on my birthday. Wow, cannot believe it but I’m 22 years old. And yet still I have no direction in life. I’m not really a person who is good at mapping out my future. Perhaps if I was less indecisive, perhaps if I was more confident in my skills and my passion, I would be more sure of making future goals and mapping out my future. For a lot of myself its always been ‘take it as it comes’. Taking things a step at a time. Slowly and steadily. But to have no plans for the future… well, it makes me scared of the future constantly.


Work/career:
I can’t really say that I would love to be a teacher, or that I would love to be anything in particular. I am so uncertain and indecisive I have no idea about anything. I would absolutely love to become a writer, but yeah, I don’t think I’m too fantastic at that one.
Well, firstly plan one is to do that two year degree at Deakin for education… if I don’t get into that, I will have to opt for primary school teaching at Monash all the way in Pennisula!
Next step is finishing up that Chisholm TAFE course in writing, one year already out of the way, one more or two more years to go. Should be easy.
I haven’t really thought further than that. Perhaps going back and doing some more study in something like business… something more practical and has jobs out there available

Relationships:
Ha, which do not exist. Bleh, well certainly not to be involved with anyone like AJ ever again! It was nice to have someone there, although his time was divided and he was always busy. Whatever, over it.
One thing that whole thing has taught me is that self perceptions are not always right. What I thought I would never do – interfere on someone else’s relationship, and be with someone who always has a girlfriend, and have something with someone that isn’t really going anywhere and isn’t really a relationship at all – I allowed to happen because I was bored and, rather selfishly, liked the attention. I sound like such a slut!! Lol
I’m not sure how I’m to improve in this area of my life. But I dunno, just don’t get myself involved in stupid complicated situations and just be friendly and myself.

Self:
Be more tolerant and not so short tempered. Be more sociable. Go to gym more regularly. Do the things that I should do, that I avoid doing. If I don’t take the opportunity to do these things now, I may never have the opportunity to. Stop procrastinating (as I am doing now!!)
Be brave and more carefree. I stress and worry about stuff too much.
Manage my time better, be more organized and procrastinate less.

Money:
Set up that ING account and like Jenny try to work out a budget – only using a certain amount of money per week and transferring the other amount into the ING savings maximiser in order to remove the temptation to slurge!


Today I was sooo silly! I met up with Nik – uni friend. He wanted to shout me coffee (aka hot chocolate for me) and cake for my birthday, but before that I had to quickly pick up some books I had left in the lockers (which you hire for 3 hours) anyway, so I did that, then rushed to pick up siblings and went to Knox in the hope I’d find a pair of jeans that I so desperately need! As we started walking, I felt in my back pocket… I still had the locker key and in about ½ an hour it was due to be handed in… man it’s like bloody $5 a fine PER HOUR if it’s late, so I left the siblings to shop, while I drove baccckkk to Monash. How irritating and such a waste of petrol! But at least traffic there and back wasn’t too bad. I ran to the library and handed it in… I was about 5 minutes away from getting fined… soooo lucky!!

I’m thinking about just messaging my friends and asking them if they want they can come over for drinks and pizza just to hang out. I keep have this fear that people will be bored and then just leave… argh. I want to do something for my birthday with friends, but nothing too big, I just really want to hang out and see people. There are so many people I have neglected recently. And I guess if people get bored, we can always head out to see a movie or go to the Irish pub as much as I hate how there’s no room to dance. I have gotta organize to go out clubbing somewhere soon, it’s been ages since I last went! I wanna dance and listen to some good music!!
If people get bored and leave, nevermind, coz then just us cousins (if the boys are there or not) can just drink up… lol, I still wanna see Jenny get drunk... and then we can watch Kim Sam Soon. How does that sound? Do you think the cousins would be up for some Cranium… or was Dennis really just referring to just an exclusive cousin thingy?

And I still wanna do karoke… Jenny, you hhhaaavvvveee to come! We have to do it!! It will be funnnnnn!!! My first time… is it your first time too, Jenny?

Argh too long a blog, should have been doing some reading on this essay proposal… argh but soooo tired now… procrastination should be a job… I’d be soooo good at it!! Lol

Sleep time for me…

An nyong ha se yo

I just received your message, Jenny! Your really getting into it... coz like when I greeted Hao Ying online, we both misspelt everything... hahah but like you didn't... unless you cheated and have the papers we got with you!! hahah the extent of our conversations in korean are: "Are you at peace", reply, then "pleased to meet you" echo, and then what is your name... hahahaha... I'm sure we'll advance slowly!!

It's a really nice day today... but too bad it looks like I'll be indoors trying to work out this stupiiiidddd history essay question. I am handing it in on Wednesday but I still haven't quite worked out what to write!! Well, I generally know what I'm going to write about, but it's narrowing it, tightening it, and working out what sort of focus I'd like to take, but I'm really, really scared that I will end up not having enough sources!

Ooooo there's this girl that just walked into the study area I'm in... and she looks like a girl off Neighbours... ha, haven't watched that in ages, so I have no idea what the chick's name is in the series... but like, she really look like her... perhaps I could find her face online? Oooo celebrity on campus... hahah not really... no one has come up to her and exlaimed "OMG!!! Your off Neighbours!!" lol. You think she would really be here if like she was off Neighbours? I don't think soooooo!! Like she'd have time to study bleh bleh and act.. hmmm though seriously it looks like the chick of Neighbours... although, it might be that I've seen this girl before on campus, and for some reason my mind connects her to Neighbours.. hahaha

Jenny, I found it funny reading your blog about how you say "duuuudde" and here my voice in your head saying "do you wanna die?!"... hahahaha... I'm influencing you! mwhahahaha... and you know after that night for Leo's birthday, I keep saying "that's funny as" - from Hao Ying... lol

Jenny, are you serious! You don't wanna come Karoke with us? You suck... nope sorry, you are SOOOOOO coming!!

This coming Saturday, it's a decision of whether or not to message my friends and ask them over... Courtney (who drove on Saturday) was saying that I could organise dinner and then to the pub in Knox. Two problems with that, that's a copy of Nick's, and also I don't really like pubs that much.... And plus, I'd be worrying all night... hmmm maybe if I message them and say, come over and we'll hang out with pizza, drinks, play Cranium... and if they get bored well bye... and we'll just drink and have fun ourselves... hahaha... But then Karoke... we could always do Karoke the weekend after? I dunno... man I'm soooooo indecisive!!

Nope, I have yet to try those Dippin' Dots... you're putting my expectations up very very high... =P so like if they don't taste as nice as I expect them to... well it's all your fault, Jenny!! Oh hey, how much do they cost?

About my car... I still feel rather bad... and it's not just about my stepmum (it does feel weird calling her that... in canto/mando we just call her aunty) but also the amount my dad is spending... I feel he should spend it on himself... like seriously, I would LOVE another car, because mine is bloody pissing me off (e.g. turning off just after I've started the engine, needing to rev it a little and let it warm up a little before driving. Listening to the loud rattling noise it makes all the time, but which is drowned out by my music.... Come look with me one day, guys! Oh and, stepmum does not know anything about dad having club money to get me a car... he knows that there will be problems if she finds out... as you can imagine....

So there are two things that I really need to do soon (besides right now, being that I soooo need to be reading this huge stack of books!!) I need to speak to Hao Ying's mum about contributing more, or paying some rent money. We really don't have that much, but I feel really really bad. I think my siblings and I should offer to clean up the house, help out in housework, help buy some groceries etc...
Dammit, what was the other thing? Oh yeah, working in some time to go over to dad's more and see Roselyn and stepmum. Time is seriously not my friend. I'm still adjusting I think... this weekend I did not do any of my history readings, so once again I'm ill prepared for the tute, I'll sit there avoiding eye contact with the tutor and hope she doesn't hate me or ask me a question... Maybe Sunday nights or something, we'll go over for an hour or something and just play and talk to stepmum and have dinner with dad... just with fitting in everything it is hard to... like Adrienne needing to study, and with my procrastination I don't study... bleh I'm making excuses probably!!

So they are the two things I need to deal with.

Also need to work out what the hell to do with Saturday... bleh indecisiveness will get you nowhere!!

Adrienne is a lot like me... we suck at prioritising... and I've decided to be more of a bitch (yes I know I can be sooo mean to her sometimes) and say no when she wants to come and hang out with us when she should CLEARLY be studying! She procrastinates as much as me!!

Okay, so this Sunday I shall drive... warning though, I have no idea how to get there and am uncertain in city... so give me directions... also, I seriously suck as paraelle parking (I also can't spell). 5pm.. so perhaps before it, we can do some revision, watch some Kim Sam Soon and have lunch? What do you say?

What else to write? bleh... nothing... must get back to study...

A Love to Kill

you guys should watch this series! It's very angsty, but Rain is sooo hot in this series!

Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools!

Birthday... sooo cannot be bothered to organise anything... are you guys busy? Wanna just drink and watch Korean series? That would be good to do? And we'll order pizza or something and just bum around till late, drinking and watching Korean series...? We can watch 'My Name is Kim Sam Soon'. What do you guys reckon? I hope you guys aren't busy... and I'll pay for drinks and pizza... so Jenny, don't worry about money! But you gotta come on the 16th to Karoke!!! Okay??? For this Saturday, we can also play Cranium and cards etc... maybe just make it a cousins thing... if the guys can be bothered... just something simple, to just relax... what do you reckon? Yeah I should probably do something with my friends, but it seems too much effort, and I just can't be bothered. Maybe, if it's okay with Hao Ying and her parents, they can come over and just play Cranium too? Nothing big.... what do you reckon? So this Saturday after we come back from city, we can go buy some drinks, grab some pizza, watch Korean series, and play Cranium? Then next Saturday, will you guys be up for karoke? Come on!! Hao Ying do you think it would be okay if a few friends came over? It is late notice, so they mightn't come anyway.... I feel bad for asking...

Thanks for putting up the links, Jenny. When I have more time, I'll look into it...

Last night kept drifting off to sleep... so went to sleep for an hour at midnight, and woke up at 1am, and managed to finish it off at 2am. I was more alert after the hour's sleep, and managed to work more productively. Now it's the next assignment... another mini one but requires me to find books, and actually do some research... I wonder if I can get another extension? Or is that pushing it? But basically, I only have today at uni in order to find all the books and write it up... and I have work at 5pm too... I'll email her, and if she says no, oh well. 1% a day... ahhh I can so see myself getting bad marks this semester.

My subjects are all assignments. I really suck at exams, so I picked subjects that were essays and smaller assessments. Being arts, there isn't any subjects that I have to do. So long as they fall under my majors - that is, Behavioural Studies and History - then its fine. Thanks for your offer, Jenny, but generally, if I can't take them home - like tonight coz of work - they can catch a bus home. Sometimes they'll go to their friend's house, but I prefer they didn't... so if that happens, I might take you up on your offer... but yeah it doesn't happen too often.

Dad managed to get that money from the "Club" thingy that we were talking about last night, and wants to use it to get me a car! As well as this laptop, he wants to give me a car for my birthday... I feel really bad, because our stepmom was saying how if only she had a car she would be able to go out more, but because Dad won't buy her a car, she can't get around anywhere. When she was in China, she was saying, she used to go out all the time. Now apparently Dad doesn't give her much money, and because she doesn't know her way around, she just stays at home all day long. I asked Dad, why don't you get a car for stepmum instead? And he said that she can't really drive anyway. She did tell us this: she was saying that she somehow managed to get her driver's lisence despite the fact that she is a really bad driver... so what should I do? I feel bad also, because it is a lot of money for a car, and Dad should really use it for himself, not me!

ooo wow, the functions are working on blogger - that is the bold, colour etc... hmm

Haven't written much... haven't really had the time. I've said it before, time is just not my friend. Lacking sleep too... keep falling asleep in lectures when I should be paying attention and writing notes... falling asleep when I should be studying.

Hao Ying, we should do dancing just to annoy Jenny since she can't afford it. Annnddd, considering she went ahead with the Korean thing without us! She'll be more fluent than we are... lol... and now, we will jump ahead with the dancing exercise!! Did we wanna start next Wednesday?

You know what? Adrienne and I still have not finished watching Goong!! Last week was busy for me because I was using all the time I had to finish off that assignment... and this week, just lack of sleep and another mini assignment which should be easy as! Yet, with what happened last week, and with the other assignment, this mini assignment that was due Monday is still not even started yet. I really need to do well for uni this final semester... I'm considering doing Honours... might just look into it. So haven't finished watching Goong. The weekend, possibly we could watch it... Adrienne wants to finish it on the weekend, considering Jenny's advice about crying and looking all puffy-eyed the next day...

Right now, I should be doing the assignment, because I managed to get an extenstion till today... but I haven't even started it... I really don't know what's been up with me lately. I know I have all this work to do, and there is time... but I end up not doing it...

Still gotta finish off 'Sweetest Thing', watch 'Grease', watch 'Il Mare' and '3 Iron'.

Time to go............

Still this stupid blogger beta is being annoying unfunctional... is that a word? Disfunctional? Bleh... annoying!!

I received the laptop on Saturday!! Unfortunately, it was such a busy weekend I didn't get time to open it until late Sunday night. It's sooo cute, so niiiicceee... but I gotta go and get my friend's help about getting office on it, and internet security and setting up the wireless etc... and I gotta look into the space... what is that called? Hard drive? You know storage space for files, music etc...

Thursday night I spent all night working on my Behavioural Studies assignment... and guess what? I only fitted in less than an hours proper sleep (by that I mean, where I allowed myself to go to sleep... I may have drifted in and out of sleep). I was so scared I'd have to hand it in late, because I thought that Hao Ying and Leo had take their laptop with them. After the siblings finished school, we drove to Private Hospital in Box Hill to see my grandpa.. he was in ICU and it was just really sad and painful to see him unable to move, speak and to see him in so much pain... at least he's awake and out of the coma. Then we went back to my uni to work out the assignment - coz I still thought the was no computer at home. I feel sorry for my bro and sis, who had to stay there with me till 11pm. So I was in bed working all night...

Friday work all day, had to rush in before it though to quickly do some last minute fix-ups on the assignment, print. Because time was short, I forced myself to take the lift. First time up, it was fine, but back down I was by myself, and I closed my eyes, terrified that I would see a shape in the reflection of the weird misty metal that is the lift doors. I came home, and fell asleep... hahah my sister went to the deb, and called me to pick her up, but I don't recall it, and she called me back later asking where I was... lol oops.

Saturday, Adrienne came with me, because she had a shift at Coles. We brought dad his father's day presents. I worked Saturday (last Saturday hooray!!) and finished 5.30, but had to hang out at my friend's till Adrienne finished work. Then rushed home, gave dad the presents, and got ready to go to 'Transport' bar in Fed Square for Andrew's birthday... Adrienne came along with me, to be the person who directed, coz I don't usually drive in the city. It was all right, but I was totally buggered. You do not know how frequently it is that I drift off into sleep while driving... Adrienne had to keep exclaiming "Jeair! Drifting!! Jeair! Speeding!!". It's really bad... don't say anything!! I just need to get used to the new routine and get more sleep...

Sunday was mum's concert thing we had to volunteer for. I was annoyed coz I couldn't find shoes to match my skinny leg black jeans... we were meant to wear closed toe shoes, but I went for thongs. Freaking hell... waking up 7am on a Sunday really sucks!! Even when I did have work at AMF, I would have a 9am start so it wasn't tooo bad... I don't know why they wanted us there at 8am for volunteering coz we just sat around till about 9ish... Helped out with some on stage hangings... then at 11am, we asked if we could leave, just coz we were doing nothing anymore. So we went to visit my grandpa. Amanda was volunteering with us.

Grandpa is at the normal hospital now, out of ICU which is good, but it's still really hard to see him unable to move, and talk, and then just crying.

You'd think that after what had happened, and what could happen (touch wood) that they'd realise that petty fights, or old family issues need to be put in the past, but no. The Dang family kids are stupid. Apparently, they all had a huge "meeting" with just the Dang kids (as in my mum, aunties etc), including the emancipated Uncle James. It didn't go well, and we overheard our aunties talking about it. And worse, Amanda's mum decided she wanted to die, so took some sleeping pills, and was in the psychology ward. I had no idea, and Amanda was very upset. Exactly what you need after your grandpa goes into hospital. I really don't think grandpa would have wanted to see his family fighting... he would want everyone to just get along and be a family again... I hate that they can't see past all the dramas... seriously, in the circumstances that we are in now, can't they just stop with their dramas, petty fights, issues, and JUST GET OVER IT?!

We decided to leave after seeing grandpa and greeting everyone and went to Box Hill to eat pho. We wanted to take Amanda shopping, just to distract her and I guess us from everything. But we were called back to volunteering becaus apparently they lacked back stage people. When we arrived, they said they didn't need people, but since we were there we could just standby. We ended up in a room a little bored, until a gate keeper brought some cards and taught us how to play 500. That entertained us till we needed to go the meeting, have dinner and prepare.

Our job was to usher people to the seats... it was sorta stupid only because people aren't that stupid... look for your letter row, then look on the seats for the number... hahah... it was different to last year, more hectic, this year wasn't too bad. Perhaps they were just more organised.

This year's was pretty good, they had some little stories, accompanied by music and the Melbourne Chinese Choir that mum is in. Ahhh we got all upset after seeing the first story. There's this old couple, and the wife ends up in hospital, stroke, and she can't move. Her husband comes to visit her all the time, bringing in his freshly squeezed OJ for her each day... And then he stops coming but the OJ is always there, and she wonders where he has gone, and her doc tells her he's busy with their nephew's wedding, but still leaves her OJ. Turns out that he is dying of liver cancer... very sad, but I think it just made us think of grandpa... and we ended up in tears... bleh... crying in the corner, and then my Aunty Jenny came and spoke about going home... and it just reopened the gates of stuff we were putting aside for now, for Adrienne's sake.

Too many tears...

Grandpa is stable, but it'll be a while for him to walk again I think they said. And I think the adults are preparing for... yeh. I dunno, I've always had the thought in my head that he'd always be around because he was so young looking, so healthy. Of course, that's childish thinking... but like, I never thought this would happen. And I was thinking, I mean, I didn't know him all that well, but he was there when I was growing up, and he is my grandpa... I just can't believe how sad it all is. It makes me think about how bad it would be if it was someone I was really close to... and it makes you realise that stupid petty things don't matter in the end. And to yeah, cherish the people in front of you, coz you never know what will happen. Like this whole thing... when I got into uni, I just had less and less time, less opportunity to see the grandparents... whereas in high school, mum would sometimes have dinner with them and we'd see them. I never took time out to go see them. I guess it was also coz of how awkward it would be, and I always have the impression they dislike me.

It's awkward coz there's nothing we can really say to them. Like when we were visiting grandpa, it was like, we didn't know what to say. I really wish I can still have the chance to get to know him.