Anxiety

Just had a Gender and Crime (Women Studies subject that falls under my behavioural studies major) tute and was sitting there with two new friends, terrified. We were put on the spot to do a debate... we had to pick out a slip of paper and there were a few groups: affirmative, negative and adjudicators. I picked the last one... and we sat there in fear that we would not know what to say... anyway after about 15 minutes of brainstorming we all came back together and the tutor announced the "official" groups... we still sat there terrified as we listened to the speeches... 2 minutes each. And we watched the clock... luckily turns out that it was everyone had to prepare in case they were selected as teh "official" groups. But it would have been okay in the end because we were the adjudicators, who just commented on the arguments and decided who won.

Trust me, BIG sigh of relief!

Ahhh after a discussion with your parents and my dad on Sunday night, I'm having second thoughts about doing teaching. It wasn't that they discouraged me or said anything bad about teaching. But they were saying it was something that only got you so far. Like it's a job that you can only go so far in. The pool is only so big. And I was thinking, I'd love to be able to become successful, to succeed and advance in my job. I'm not overly ambitious, but I like to feel as though I'm moving forwards, advancing, you know? At the same time, I want to do something that will contribute back to the world... that sounds soooo gay, but I mean, I want to be able to help people also in the job I do. Arghhhh annoying! I was considering too, perhaps doing the teaching course, then go overseas to teach a bit, then come back and then like see what I feel like then? Okay so that would mean after 2 years I would be 24, and then probably add on a year or two if I go overseas - 25-26... argh... that sucks. It sucks because it means when I come back and then think about what I want to do, I'll be 25-26: would I want to go studying again? What if teaching ISN'T what I want to do? Will it all be too late to attempt to find a job that will allow me to help others, and succeed in?

That's the fear I've always had since high school. First it was that I wouldn't be able to get into uni, and then my life would end. And now that I am in uni, I'm in a course that is reknown for not knowing what they want to do. I'll come out of uni with a Bachelor of Arts course and then what? What then? Do I really want to teach? And if I commit 2 years of my life to a teaching course, will I want to do that? Do I want to teach? And what if I'm half way through the course and failing or whatever, and realise that this just isn't my thing? What if? What if?!

If only I could fastforward my life 5 years, then I would have skipped all this indecisive anxious studying stage and be in "the job". Then again, I've always been indecisive... argh. I really, really do not want to be one of those people who end up being in their 30s and have nothing to show for themselves, and still do not know what they want to do in life.

Perhaps it's time again to make another appointment with the Careers advisor.... although the last two times I've been I've come away not feeling very helped.....